***Remember today is bring a friend day***
Tabata Something Else
:20 on :10 off
8 intervals at each station
Post total reps to comments.
1. So congrats on being firebreather of the month. What will you do with your title?
Easy…already ordered a thick gold chain and a Master P style medallion to commemorate my firebreatherness. I wanted to get “Firebreather of the Month” on the medallion, but it turns out that big ass gold medallions are really expensive. So, I thought about shortening it: “Fireman,” “Flamer,” and “Dragon” made the short list. But in the end, it just made sense to go with my heart, and by heart I mean Tupac. Only God Can Judge Me, yo. I mean why’s my gold medallion gotta say something about fire. It’s my freakin medallion. Here’s the prototype. Dope, right? For some reason, the jeweler didn’t get it, but I don’t think he CrossFits.
2. How did you get involved with Crossfit?
I was laying in my underwear eating Cheetos by the handful (the puffs, not that other crap) wiping the crumbs on my favorite beanbag when I realized I had a Cheeto stuck between my man boob and my gut…I thought that was a real defining moment for me. Fast forward a few hours (I got depressed after the Cheeto thing, finished the bag and took a nap), and I was on the interwebs googling “get rid of man boobs in Framingham.” I had two gym memberships at the time, so that didn’t seem to be working. I had seen some CrossFit videos on YouTube at work (that’s when I watch all my YouTube) and I noticed that neither Rich Froning nor Jason Khalipa had man boobs…or Cheeto crust all over them. I figured if they could do it, so could I. Next Google: “CrossFit near Framingham.” All signs pointed to CFNE…the rest is just a glorious tale of why Cheetos aren’t allowed in our house anymore.
3. What’s your favorite workout?
No funny business here. I love The Big Clean Complex. When it comes up I salivate, dream about it, think about it, talk about it, gchat about it, Facebook about it, tweet about it, write the old people in my family in Kentucky that don’t understand computers hand-written letters about it. Anyway, I like it a lot.
4. What’s your least favorite workout?
I’m tempted to say Freddy Krueger because last time I did it, I spewed a box of red wine and pulled pork all over the CFNE woods. Poor girl attending Ben’s Business Of Excellence seminar picked a really bad time to dip behind the gym and take a phone call. She seemed to take it well. But as close to death as I was, and let me assure you, I’ve never felt closer, my least favorite is probably Surfer on Acid. I used to hate lots of stuff in CrossFit…I mean, I was fat and out of shape, so you know, I hated box jumps, burpees, rowing, running, jumping rope, moving in general directions that weren’t towards a beer or a bed. Most of those feelings, fortunately, have gone away and frankly I’ve grown to love most of my goats. They challenge me, and I dig it. But there are two things I still hate with a passion: running and burpees. Put them together and I just feel like a dwarf is punching me in my junk for 10 minutes.
5. Word on the street is that you have 17 kids, what are their names and ages?
Look, what do you want from me…I was in the military, I married the first girl that I tricked into thinking I was awesome, I tend to enjoy a fine drink from time to time, and I like to dance (mostly dungeon rap style). Put it all together, and I suppose having a slew of children before I was old enough to constitutionally be the President was always a bit of an inevitable certainty. Is what it is…frankly, I’m usually more amazed how many people don’t have 17 kids, but I digress. Drew is 8. Hailey is 7. Cooper is 4. Oliver is almost 2. The others come with a bit more baggage. We have one my wife insisted on naming “Big Michael,” but he doesn’t seem to be able to grow hair and for some reason his butt is really saggy. Another one has a foolish ZZ Top beard, but we’re just praying he grows out of it. The rest…well, who knows? Neither of us really knows where they all came from. We just know they’re expensive and they’re tougher than us.
6. Your wife told me you used to play with a bluegrass band. What was your band called and what instrument did you play?
Well, first, she talks too much. You spend one year playing the fiddle in a methed up Appalachian bluegrass band called Pee Wee Hotsauce and the Mountain Dew Boys and all of a sudden everyone has a joke to tell. Well jokes on you guys, because once our sound caught on, there wasn’t a trailer we couldn’t stay in and there wasn’t a diner in four counties that would make us pay full price for chicken fried steak.
7. Let’s play a game called hopscotch, buddy carry, s’mores. I’ll give you three people and you have to pick which one you’d play hopscotch with, which one you’d buddy carry, and which one you’d eat s’mores with. Your people are Mo Vaughn, Hulk Hogan, and Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. Ready. Set. GO!
Honestly, this was probably the easiest question to answer. First I’d play hopscotch with Mr. Feeny. He was an ethical man, and seemingly British or something so probably of some royal vintage of hopscotchers, and I know he wouldn’t cheat when I wasn’t looking. He was wise and caring and not at all creepy even though he was always hanging out with little kids in his back yard. I would buddy carry Hulk Hogan. If it’s good enough for Rocky in Rocky III (not the Rocky where he single-handedly ended the Cold War and punched out that Russian lady, but the one where he had to fight that mean ole’ Mr. T even after Mr. T killed Mickey; man I miss Mickey) then it’s good enough for me. And which of us doesn’t want to see how many s’mores Mo Vaughn can put away. Next.
8. Some people say that you dye your hair that beautiful redish hue. Any truth to that rumor? If so what is the exact color?
You guys spend one damn night with my wife at a party and all of sudden I have no secrets. Fine…gingers are descended of Vikings, and Vikings had awesome boats and fur coats and stuff. They’re men’s men. I was raised by a brood of women and early in high school realized I needed an edge. My hair used to be a shiny blonde, but no one took me seriously. People just don’t get what it’s like to be made fun of because of the color of your hair. So, after much deliberation, I landed on a hair color that blends in and doesn’t result in judgment or unnecessary and unfounded stereotypes: rusty red.
9. If you were stuck on a desert island and could pick one thing to eat until people saved you what would it be?
Now, THIS, is a tough question. I may not know a lot about fitness or paleo or hydration or kindness or any of that garbage, but man if I don’t know how to stuff my face. I have to pick one thing? Whoa. Alright, clock is ticking, gun to my head…Lobster! I mean sure, after a few weeks, I’d get mercury poisoning and die. But what am I supposed to say, pizza? Screw that. If I’m stranded on a desert island I’m looking to get tanned up and ripped for my rescue. Can’t be loading up on all that bread and junk. And as long as I’ve got more to do than talk to a volleyball, I’m all set. I’ve been watching a lot of Naked and Afraid lately, and I’m pretty sure I could spend most of my time weaving banana hammocks.
10. If you were a pirate what would your pirate name be? Also, what would your ship be named? Lastly, what would your parrot be named?
This is a lot of questions. I tried to cheat and use a pirate name generator, which said my name would be Cap’n Macon Bloodsmear. But that’s dumb. Let’s go with Cap’n Empty Stick…and let’s not ask why. Cap’n Empty Stick would sail the seas in his massive vessel named The Foul Cannon, often neglecting his drunk bird, Fran.
11. So apparently you and Big Mike are actually related. Is he really your dad? If so, what was it like in your household when you were young?
I’m not entirely sure where to begin. Feelings run deep here. What most people don’t know is that Big Mike and I have grown up together, but probably not how you might think. Did you ever see that show, where an older guy meets a younger impressionable teen on the internet, gets to know them, shows up with a sixer of beer only to find out that they’re about to be arrested. Well, that’s not how we met. The truth is, Big Mike has Benjamin Button disease, and I’m HIS father. Think about it. It’s why he’s all smushed up and old looking but still able to beast workouts…he’s really 23. We’ve long kept it a secret because he thinks people will judge him. But they won’t Big Mike. They’re just super psyched that in a few years you’ll look like Brad Pitt. It’s time, son…Dad will love you no matter how smushy or whiny you are!
12. If the moon was made of cheese would you eat it? What if it was made of BBQ spare ribs?
Anybody else wishing there weren’t fifteen question this month…woof. Well, I’m pretty dairy free these days, but I love cheese in a way that is almost embarrassing. Left to my own devices, I will devour entire pound blocks. It’s legit happened. But now, the only time I cave is after a night of too much tomfoolery and shenanigans. So I guess, if you wanted me to eat the cheese and throw the tides of the oceans all out of whack, all you’d have to do is take me to a Booty Dance factory, get me liquored up and fly me to the moon. As for the spare ribs, rinse and repeat. I guess I’ll eat anything when I’m drunk.
13. The Patriots called they need a nose tackle. In or out?
Hell yes! This is simple math. Gisele Bundchen is on my list of people I’m allowed to…uhhh…”get to know” if I ever get the chance. My wife’s on board. Get me an interview.
14. If you had to be an animal for the day what would you be and what would you do?
Definitely a Centaur. Bangin’ body. Graceful gate. No brainer. I’d spend most of my time shooting Old Spice commercials. If you get all picky and make me pick an animal that is more common, I’d probably go with something off the beaten path like an Ostrich. They’re amazing at playing hide and seek, and they seem well fed. Their gut to appendage ratio is astounding. As an ostrich, I’d spend the day trying to figure out how to get myself on that island with the Swiss Family Robinson. One kid’s riding an ostrich and the other kid’s riding a goat or something…that’s not fair. They need another ostrich.
15. What’s the number one excuse you use to get out of work to come to CFNE?
Whoa whoa whoa. Who says I sneak out of work to come to CFNE?!? I mean, sure, do I work in the city and somehow make the nooner when I need to? Yeah. And have I been to every class time that CFNE has to offer? Yeah. But the idea that I would lie to get out of work, something that I crave and love to do (my job), is just insulting. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding. My kids. I use my many young children. Or I just sneak out and hope for the best. I’m not proud of it, but I really can’t miss my CFNE time. My wife has requested that I not go back to Cheeto man boob guy…she’s got a point.